Jason Madison Murray

I thought of you:
               I thought of you with love today,but that is nothing new.
               I thought about you yesterday,and the day before that,too.
               I think of you in silence,I often say your name,
               But all I have is memories and your picture in a frame.

               Your memory is my keepsake,with which I'll never part.
               God has you in his keeping,I have you in my heart.
               I shed tears for what might of been,a million times I cried.
               If love alone could have saved you,you never would have died.

               In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still,
               In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill.
               It broke my heart to lose you,but you didn't go alone,
               For part of me went with you,the day God took you home.

My brother Mark Edward Snedeker moved to Heaven 13 years ago.  Like Jason, he left behind a wife and 4 children.  I was looking at Marks death announcement last night and my wonderful sister-in-law, Caroline, had this poem with it.  I don't know who wrote it there wasn't an author.  I now can truly relate to her pain.  I miss Mark more than ever, (he was my closest sibling) but Caroline misses him for so many different reasons than the rest of us.  Her heart is still in tangles.  This poem fit exactly how I feel about Jason.  A huge part of my Heart & Soul went with Jason the day he moved.  I will never forget the love we share and I will love Jason forever!!!!!

Sweetie, I won't be writing any more Memories on here for a while.  Decided that our memories are just too precious to share right now.  My heart is too raw.  And you know what, your right, sometimes the internet is bad. 

I promise you, Sweetie, I will always take care of the kids.  Your moving to Heaven is really tough on them.  They are my first priority.  Always.  They are what we have left of you.  Creations of your Love.  Christie & I are so blessed to have had your unconditional love.  Thank you.  The kids are the most precious things in my life.  They are blessed to have you as a Daddy.  I will always keep your presence strongly in our home.  I am blessed as well.  You are the best husband in the world.  I'm most thankful for the fact that we shared our love for our Lord with each other.  It made our love stronger.  What carries me through is Christmas break.  The way you told me you saw our future together.  Oh, the plans we had.  You said you would love me until the end of time.  I promised right back to you, and baby, I will.  Forever!!  I'm grateful for all the loving time we shared with each other and the kids.  I'll never let them forget your love.  Forever & Always.......  i love you!!!

Sweetie, life is overwhelming.  Sometimes it hurts so bad to remember.  It makes me think of our future without you.  Which I just CAN'T do. I just can't help but think of you every second.  Jace, I know I've said it a million times, but what I wouldn't give for just one more minute with you here.  If only we had kissed 4 times instead of 3 that morning.  If only the tire wasn't low on the Burb.  If only you had hugged the kids just a little bit longer.  If only the airbags deployed.  If only that man had stayed on his side of the road.  There are so many if only's.  The real reality is if only God hadn't needed you so soon.  Sweetie, I miss you more than all the fish & turtle in the river, but I am so happy that you are oblivious to life on earth & that you now spend every second worshipping our Lord.  I'm trying to be patient as I wait for the day I join you at the Gates of Heaven. 

Hey sweetie,  Jeannie shared some great memories of you with me today.  She told me about a time when you guys were over at Aunt Juley's watching a scary movie.  Noone realized that you & James snuck outside.  She said everyone was really into the movie at a scary part when you & James started banging on the sliding glass doors making noises and scared everyone.  You are so good at startling people.  You scared the tar out of me every time I took a bath when you would bang on the wall from your study room.  & then all I could hear was you laughing so loud. 

I'll never forget when Jeannie was pregnant with Macayla. I think you gained more weight than she did!!  You were always so tickled when your brother or sister announced they were having a baby.  Isn't it amazing how much Colton & Tyler look just like their Daddy's.  Not only are Jeannie & John Brian blessed to be your sibling, you were blessed to be theirs.  They really love you babe.

 

I love you & miss you so much!!

Wow, this would have been a great morning to go to the river.  Remember last year around this time.  We went at least 10 times last spring.  Friday's as soon as the kids got on the bus & Aunt Vicky got Ty, you would hook up the boat and off we would go.  Wayyyy up river.  You always said that this is really the most peaceful time to be on the river.  We would just sit and talk about anything and everything.  You said that you felt God surrounding us there.  I still feel Him there.  I feel you there too.  Ty said your boat looks lonely.  It wants to go to the river.  But, I'm scared.  Really scared.  I don't want to mess up your boat. Your river buddy, Mike, is gonna help me get it ready.  & teach me to go through the chute.  Maybe I'll just put in where I don't have to go through it.  That sounds like a plan.  I just don't really want to be in the boat without YOU driving it. But the kids are pretty intent on us using it.  So I will have to buck up.  Watch over us. (& your boat)  I love & miss you so so much!!

 

I pray continually for a little bit of peace in our hearts.  I also pray for the families of the other men & children who died in the accident close to the spot where you left us for Heaven.  Sometimes, I forget that your family aren't the only ones who have lost a loved one.  2 men & a child died as a result of the accident at where the 4-lane meets the 2-lane on Hwy 67.  And the man who died in the accident in front of the funeral home the night of visitation.  There are just so many many more.  God is taking sooo many Home.  I've searced my bible, my mind, & every prophecy book  you have, honey.  The only answer I can come up with is that surely God is readying His army to take us all Home.  I'm ready.  I want everyone to be.  Please help us to be bold like you and bring everyone's heart to Jesus.

I love you!!

Jace, I need you so much I can't stand it anymore.  I thought that you moving to Heaven would be the worst thing we would ever have to endure.  I think maybe I was wrong.  Life is just getting harder, not easier. This whole mess is tearing what's left of my heart out.  And Kyle's.  He is so upset.  There was a voice mail on his phone that was very unkind.  Thank goodness I got to his phone first.  Now if I can just keep him off of the websites.  You were right, Honey, 13 is a very hard age.  He has a temper like yours.  I know others are hurting and when this first happened I thought we would be there to help each other through this.  I tried at the hospital and during the funeral process but was pushed away.  I lost part of my senses during that time.  I have a lot of black spots in my memory.  If I hurt anyones feelings, I am very sorry.  I don't understand.  We have loved each other for 11 years.  We have tried to share that love with everyone we could.  I can't count on one hand the number of people that we have shared our home with when they needed a place.    And we were both glad to do it.  We never wanted to be separated from anyone, (we invited everyone in) but we all grow up and move on with our married lives.  Aren't we supposed to cleave to our spouse?  Finally you said that we couldn't save the world.  We had to worry about our family instead. 

I am very thankful for your love.  Honey, I 'm thankful for every second of our lives together.  Even with all the extra chaos we let come into our home, (& the chaos now) I don't regret a single second.  I love all of our family that stayed with us and they know they are blessed to have that special time with you.  Just like the kids & I are.  If we all just settle down and open our hearts a little more, God WILL take care of it.  We are all only human with human emotions.  I, personally, am going to try to be more like you.  Let it roll off of my back and pray.  You always said that we can't change what other people say, feel, think, or do.  Just ourselves.  Honey, I ask all the time, but would you ask God to keep His arm around my shoulders and His hand firmly over my mouth for me too.   I wish everyone had known the Jason that I know.   I love you!!!

Jason, it hurts too bad.  Too much to deal with last night & today.  Sorry I haven't been able to let everything roll off my back, like you always say to do.  If you were here, you sure wouldn't either.  This I know.  I'm on my knees constantly.  I know the Lord will keep our family safe.  We are stronger in our faith that what people realize.  I opened your bible tonight. Hebrews 3:13 was underlined.         {And again, I will put my trust in him.  And again, Behold I and the children which God hath given me.}       Your bible brings me some peace.   Found this picure today.  I really miss those days, and every day with you.  Miranda is so precious.  I miss you and I am so glad that we have had the last 11 years together.  I love you!!

Jace, there are a ton of memories running through my mind, but tonight I'm just too sad to write them.  I hope no one else ever has to feel what it's like to lose their soul mate.  God brought us together, I don't understand why we have to be apart for now.  Baby Ty sat on my lap and we talked about you for a long time tonight.  I think its really starting to sink in for him. I wish I had known you when we were children, although I am 4 and 1/2 years older than you.  Mom says Ty is just like you when you were little.  Honey, your Mom & Dad really miss you.  My heart is terribly sad for them both.  I pray for them every day.  And your sister and brother (& their children) who are brokenhearted as well.  I also pray for all of your aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, & friends who love you so much.  You are missed by so very many.

I love you, sweetie and I miss you so very very much.

Sweetie,

 

I still get lost in your eyes, especially this picture.  You have the sweetest lips. There are so very many memories.  What I wouldn't give for the kids to hear you say "I love you!" one more time.  I miss every little thing about you.  I miss the sweet way you always said my name and the way you held me in your arms.  The way you kissed me.  I even want to hear you snore.  Just to hold your hand while we fall asleep.  I'll love you until the day I die.  I'll still love you when I join you in Heaven too.  I miss you so much!!

 

I Love You Murray!!!!!!!

Jace, I will never forget the day this picture was taken.  You were so excited.  You said you could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  That Nursing school is winding down.  Oh my gosh, you were already worried about boards.  You said you were nervous, but anxious for us to be alone together when we went to take them.  We were already getting our study guides together to prepare for boards.  I still think you should be here studying.  Helping others was your life.  You wanted so bad to get your NP.  I have total complete faith in you, babe.  You would've done great!!!  I'm really praying for your classmates.  Sometimes, I get really upset about you being in school so much.  School took you away from us so much.  Even though you were in the bedroom studying.  You barely had time for your kids, much less anything else.  I am so glad you always took time out to eat dinner with us and say prayers together as a family at bedtime.  I don't know what to say to the kids when they are mad because you can't do something with them.  They say that you told them "later", and now that later will never happen here on earth.  We all just thought there would be so much more time after school got out.  How do I deal with their anger?  I tell them you still love them very much, you just really wanted to be a Nurse and help people.

Remember how proud you were to get your Medic liscense.  Joplin, MO will always be a special place.  I'm so very proud of you!!  You were a great provider and leader for our family.   I'll forever be grateful.  I'm also thankful that you let me stay home with the kids.  Especially since Ty does not want to ride the bus.  Who can blame him.  We swore he would never ride that bus again, & he won't!! 

I loved the afternoons after school when you would bring me lunch and we would have the afternoon alone together.  Wow!!  We were really blessed!!  I could go on forever, but we have sunday school early in the morning.  I just wanted to share this picture with everyone.  I really want to put this picture on your little brothers web page, but I posted your handwritten notes from Proverbs and it has been deleted, so I think that maybe John doesn't want anything on there from us.  I won't post it, but I will give one to Mom & Dad to make sure everyone can see it.  The other picture is really awesome, but this one is my favorite.  Because this is how you always smiled at me.  I miss you so much that I don't know how to put it into words!! 

I love you baby!!!